For Pardanashins —take RHTI, then … look below …. the pleasures of Banking Bureau-crazy …
I had a close encounter of the weird kind.
In a bank that shall go unnamed in case they decide to headhunt me as their CEO……….I think extreme wealth on a CEO salary is an affliction which I can learn to live with.
The incident began with some debits in my checking account (“current account” to my desi banker friends) When I saw the statement, I remembered. A couple of years ago I had signed a mutual fund contract with one of Canada’s leading providers of such funds.It had happened when a friend had got a job at this company and needed to ‘book” 10 customers in the first month.I was one of her easy targets. I signed the forms including a standing order to debit my checking account and transfer to the MF company.
The money went out from my account each month. My friend lost her job in that first month. I suppose this is a reasonable business model – 10 new clients for each trainee temp is not a bad deal. I would get statements telling me how the investment was faring. Whatever happened to the market, the fund would go southwards.; It seems to be a standard feature of all funds. At least, of mine.
In the last two months I has not maintained the required credit balance and the payment had bounced. I went to the bank to find out. I told them:
“You have charged a NSF fee (No Sufficient Funds)…”
“That’s because we returned your payment.”
“It is because of a standing instruction from you”.
“Then cancel the instruction”
“We can’t do that, you told us to transfer the money each month ‘
“And now, I’m telling you to stop – I told you to start, now I’m telling you to Stop !”
“Well, we can’t do that – we can’t cancel it”.
“It’s my instruction to you and I can cancel it at any time. Anyway you can’t charge a NSF fee for my own SI”.
(Total confusion among the tellers. Finally one of them says I should have dialled the 1-800 number. I tried to explain that I cannot speak into a phone since my ataxic voice sounds slurred and drunk. After some more discussion they came to the conclusion that I was not to be fobbed off with a 1-800 excuse).
I decided to give them a short talk on how Canadian banks were awful when they encountered a customer who shows up in a wheelchair. At one point, I told them, “you must find a way to deal with dumb customers, dumb meaning SPEECHLESS, not dumb meaning BRAINLESS”.
The teller said, “you are not dumb sir, you are intellectual!”
I thought I would embark on a second lecture on the differences between Intellectual and Intelligent – but I bravely resisted the temptation.
Finally they told me they could not prevent the next NSF unless I got a letter from the MF company agreeing to cancel the whole thing. I told them they I had already called their 1-800 number with zero results. They said that this was too complicated for them to resolve and that I should meet the manager. They fixed an appointment for me.
I came back after a week, hoping they would have found a solution by then. However, it seemed no one had even considered it. The manager told me again they could not cancel a standing instruction. The only way a further NSF could be avoided was by closing down my account. He told me somewhat gleefully, “when they try the standing instruction next month, they won’t find an account !”
I told him it was an extreme solution to close an account instead of cancelling a standing order. I told him that “in the good old days” we were trained as young banker brats never to let a customer go. In fact, State Bank of India where I was trained had “The Book” which was jealously guarded from the likes of upstarts like the smaller government sector banks.If you were a literate customer, good. However even an illiterate customer could open an account. If you were an illiterate man, you would affix your Left Hand Thumb Impression (“LH TI”) It an illiterate woman it was the RH TI. (It remained a mystery why men were legally left handed. Maybe since men were deemed to use their right hands more – to work, or more likely to jerk off!)
There were instructions on how to open accounts for Pardanashins, those women in burqas. Lest you think all burqas are worn exclusively by Muslim women, it must be clarified that some Hindu women also wear them.
For Pardanashins, the Book simply said: “Look Below”. This was interpreted (in private, of course) as an order to literally “look below” – at their pussies!!!
Many a staid Burqa clad woman must have walked in to State Bank and been surprised at all the snickering going on. Such planned-but-never- executed Burqa covered pussy ogling apparently did not save them from losing court battles.
I was so happy to discover that everything is alive and well in my Alma Mater. (You have learned well, my pretties ..”)
Look at this