At least 12 contestants have been disqualified from Saudi Arabia’s annual camel beauty contest because the owners injected their lips with Botox. The judges were set to hand out millions of dollars in cash prizes to the breeders of the most toothsome beasts. But the contestants at the King Abdulaziz Camel Festival in Rumah had to adhere to one condition: All beauty must be “natural.”
Ideal: dark, oval, twinkly. Convey desperation to place first in all camel pageantry. Each of three eyelids should have a deep, exaggerated crease for that “Disney princess” look. Strong eyebrow game encouraged. Lashes should be whimsical and spidery, suggesting sauciness and self-protection from a cataclysmic sandstorm.
Flaws: saggy lids, a vacant or wall-eyed stare, pinkeye. Instant disqualification for reading glasses.
Ideal: lower lip is irrepressibly flappy. Pursing of the upper and lower lips generates the sound of a prolonged fart. Widely separating the lips allows the camel to belt out its signature mating song, “Satan Belching.” (Tongue should resemble a sunburnt sea cucumber.)
Flaws: Botox, Revlon Colorstay.
Ideal: shiny and swathed in green spittle or froth. Individual teeth should be at least three inches long and mustard yellow, collectively resembling a vandalized picket fence. Upper canines are vampiric, lower canines comically derpy mutant chiclets, and the rest of the mouth should evoke staring into the gaping maw of a peyote-induced hallucination.
Flaws: obvious fillings. Veneers. Invisalign.
Ideal: curvaceous, with the pleasant firmness of a gigantic lone boob. Sizing must be close to a singular ZZZ cup. Hump should be composed of no fewer than eighty pounds of fat to insure perkiness and that it’s not slumping like a sad orca fin.
Flaws: hump implant, Juvéderm, one-cupped push-up bra.
Ideal: must go on for days. Capable of both seduction and kicking a tourist in the spleen. Knees must be battleship gray and not unlike the bulbous burls of a singed redwood. Twiggy shins should taper sensuously into severe camel toes. Extra marks awarded for a thigh gap of more than two feet.
Flaws: Spanx, cellulite, Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs.
Participating camels are encouraged to show off their natural talents in this portion of the pageant. Some examples of appropriate talents include: ventriloquism, cheerleading, an oboe solo, rifle twirling, Irish step dancing, karate, and beatboxing.
The televised final night of the pageant will be judged—and prizes will be awarded—based on the following breakdown:
Charisma: twenty-five per cent.
Swimsuit: ten per cent.
Spitting distance: thirty per cent.
Evening wear: fifteen per cent.
Grace when carrying saddlebag weighing six hundred pounds: twenty per cent.